Things arent going as well as they should be. To be brutally honest I feel like I’ve been spiralling. I’m really trying my best to come out of this black hole but every time I try something keeps pulling me back. I’ve tried getting some help and some days it works other days it doesn’t.
I constantly feel like there’s pressure from people (mostly family) to do well to be the best to be strong but it’s so hard to do that when you’re feel low.
I’m writing this because I think it’s time I got all the things swirling around in my head down on paper or in this case on my blog.
I’ve come from a Christian home where we are taught to bring all our thoughts and feelings and worries to God in prayer. I’ve even mentioned in previous posts about how it’s a personal journey and it shouldn’t be moulded by outside influence. I say that to express that lately I have been feeling very distant from God and havent been praying as much as I should ir could. I just feel like He doesn’t hear me … maybe He does but I’m not hearing him? I don’t know.
Anyway, that’s just one thing another thing is the style in which I’ve been writing my previous posts on this blog… I realised that when I was writing I was putting on a facade. In my mind I knew what I really wanted to say but then I decided to write what people would want to hear. Don’t get me wrong, not all the posts are like that I’ve just come to the realisation that I need to be more candid and honest about who I am what in struggling with and my everyday life.
I’m really not doing well. I’m in over my head. I’m depressed, I’m on medication.. I don’t sleep well. I always wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t here anymore.
I thought this is where I wanted to be (at University) but I’m not feeling that way anymore. Maybe it’ll change I don’t know.
I have days that are good. I have days that are bad.
Social media doesn’t help so I think I’m going to come off it again.
I just want a permanent release from this pain. I’m not writing for sympathy I’m writing to try and help myself. Writing used to be a platform to help me and I’m going back to it this morning to attempt some form of normal.
I’m just so tired. I’m tired of having to put on a mask. So from now on my just going to write honestly and let you all into the chaos that is my mind.
As you can tell this post is all over the place and to be honest I don’t really care. I’m done caring.