Prompt: internal monologue about your thoughts, down on paper.
When you’re not living life for yourself you start to lose who you are. That realisation sets in and it so happens that you’re stood at a crossroads with no idea of what path to go down.
You turn around and there stands all those people who you have gone the extra mile for, cancelled plans for , not spoken your mind to, kept quiet for in fear of the consequences of losing them – they stand shouting, fighting all at once to be heard over one another further trying to dictate which road you should take.
The question now is; do you take the road that you have been “advised” to take? or do you go your own way, fully aware that you won’t being making people who have influenced your decisions your entire life, happy? Do you risk losing family, friends and mentors because of it? These seem like straightforward questions to answer. However if you’re one of those people who constantly worries about what people think or what they will say, then these questions will make you methodically sift through the pros and cons. Being the worrier that you are it will be mostly cons that are on your mind.
Why am I saying all this? I’ve reached a point where I no longer knew whether I was coming or going. I was losing the firm grasp I had of my self awareness. Self awareness is the wrong word I think – because sometimes, not most times…. sometimes…. I seem to know what I’m doing. I think the word I’m like for is self confidence. On the outside my facade is firmly in place I can guarantee that. Only a select few people can see when there is something going on. I’ve made sure of it. Internally it’s a constant battle with myself. Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing the wrong thing? Are the people I’m with happy? Do I make them happy? How can I make things better? I am a good influence? All these questions are focused around other people. What their needs and wants could be.
I’m not focusing on myself. I’m not focusing on the things I want.
You know what? I don’t know what that is anymore. I used to think I did. Career wise, I was going to be a journalist. One that wrote amazing articles and unearthed amazing stories. In my personal and love life I would have had everything on lock by 25.
I got told, heck I still get told “You still have time to figure that out.” But that’s just it I feel as if life is coming at me hard and fast. Being at university and getting a degree is supposed to be the focus but there is immense pressure.
I was an optimistic during my undergrad years. I thought getting a degree would is meant to help me find clarity. Push me in the right direction.
I’m grateful to have gotten out the other side, because trust me, it wasn’t easy. But now life has hit hard. Back in education and in a world of uncertainty.
I’m no longer in love with the whole notion of the whole ‘university experience’. The pressure to succeed is constantly ringing in my ears.
As I sit writing this I think of my mother. One of, but not the sole reason for these musings. Being brought in the household I’ve been brought up in, it is hard to explain to outsiders how things work. If you aren’t a Nigerian or West African then you wouldn’t get why she disciplines the way she does, or why she has the opinions she has. Or why I have to do certain things in a certain way. In actuality it’s about respect and adhering to the cultural rules. In my experience explaining this to someone who isn’t African is a had task… When they ask ‘why’ you have to reply with ‘it’s just the way it is’ realising that it’s not the best way to explain things but knowing that it’s a FACT OF LIFE they won’t be able to grasp unless they were to live in your house for at least two weeks. It taken me a long time to realise that even in other households, African or otherwise people can go through the same experiences I have …. just on a different level and though I’ve ranted about my own life I am not disregarding anothers experience… I digress… I remember, towards the end of High School I was certain I wanted to do something Graphics related.. I enjoyed it and wanted to have a career in something that I would enjoy something that I would love to get up in the morning to do. Then college happened. I ended up being the Editor of the College Newspaper I enjoyed the whole process finding stories, organising my team and seeing the final product. This is when the “light bulb” moment ame – I’m gunna be a journalist. For the next 3 years I set about doing things so I could get to uni to do a Journalism degree. Fast forward two years I made it to uni but I’m not doing a journalism degree. The kicker? I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a journalist anymore. But I knew I still wanted to write and have my opinions heard and influence people in a positive way with my words. I just got lost in all the chaos. I hadn’t been honest with myself and others. I’m a worrier and an overthinking sometimes about things I have no control over sometimes about things I know I can control. In this current climate, I know things are easier said than done. I just need the discipline to keep pushing and growing in the areas I know need work. I need to stop overthinking things and just do them. Putting myself first will get me on the right track to achieving those things I want to achieve. I need to start being positive in and be content with what I have. I’m still alive and all my bodily functions are working fine. I should be grateful for that. Being able to inhale and exhale alone is a gift. I need to learn how to plan things properly and set myself daily goals. So far, I think I’m doing okay on that front. Becuase all i have is time. Focus in the best way I know how – doing things I know I enjoy… writing, listening to music, cooking, hell even cleaning and the rest will follow.
To end I wanted to get even more personal and really let you into my thoughts especially how I feel about myself. This really helped writing everything all down. It’s very therapeutic releasing thoughts and feelings.
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Peace & Love ✌❤